The following conversation was intercepted by Agents of the Department of Disnformation and is considered confidential. The Russian Propagandist was apprehended by our Agents a few hours later and will be taken to a secret location for questioning. OBEY.
Lucy: Can you believe all the shit Russia is doing?
Samuel: What shit are you referring to?
Lucy: Oh my God, do you live under a rock?
Samuel: No, it’s just that Russia gets accused of doing a lot of things, and I have no idea which things you are referring to.
Lucy: Wow, you are so anal. Duh. They invaded Ukraine, for starters.
Samuel: More like they intervened in Ukraine, really.
Lucy: What are you talking about, a drug recovery program or something?
Samuel: No, what I’m saying is that there has been a civil war going on in Ukraine for, like, eight years, and all this time Russia played it cool, but there were straight-up Nazis killing people and planning some big provocation, so Russia intervened.
Lucy: Ha-ha, whut? You don’t actually believe all that bullshit about the Nazis, do you? I mean come on, Zelensky is a Jew!
Samuel: So what? They have Nazis on their postage stamps, statues of Nazis, they teach Nazi ideology in their schools, they have Nazi summer camps for the kids. And they killed thousands of people in the Donbass.
Lucy: The Don-whut? The Don-ass?
Samuel: The Donbass.
Lucy: I don’t know what that is, but it doesn’t matter. The point is that Russia invaded Ukraine without provocation, and…
Samuel: I just told you they were provoked because of the attacks on the Donbass.
Lucy: Where do you even get this stuff? Oh my God…
Samuel: I research it, Lucy. I just research it.
Lucy: Oh, you’re a conspiracy theorist, you mean.
Samuel: You know the CIA came up with that term, right?
Lucy: Wrong-o! I saw on Snopes, that’s a lie!
Samuel: You looked it up on Snopes? Ha-ha-ha!!! You know that site is totally pushing establishment narratives, right?
Lucy: What are you even talking about? Establishment whut?
Samuel: Look, the people who run this country, not the president and the congressmen and stuff, but the REAL people who run things. That’s the establishment. And they are very wealthy, and they want to control what you think.
Lucy: O-M-G, you’re crazy. Like seriously, you watch too much science fiction. They can’t control what you think. They don’t have mind-control!
Samuel: You are so attractive when you roll your eyes like that. Actually, no, you’re not. You don’t get it. I’m not saying they have super powers! But they do have a lot of money and they control all the major media.
Lucy: Okay… are you off your meds? We have a free press in America. Not like those Russian friends of yours.
Samuel: Ha-ha-ha!!! You really think we still have a free press. Damn, girl, I can’t stop laughing! No, seriously. Seriously. We haven’t had a free press in decades, not at the national level. Didn’t you ever hear of Operation Mockingbird?
Lucy: O-M-G, here we go again… conspiracy theory land.
Samuel: It’s no theory, Carl Bernstein even wrote about it in Rolling Stone back in the 1970’s. The CIA admitted before Congress that they controlled every major media figure.
Lucy: Whatever, at least we don’t have to worry about the KGB coming over in the middle of the night and sending us off to the gulag or shooting us in some basement somewhere.
Samuel: Um, what…? KGB? There haven’t been any KGB for 30 years and the gulags were dismantled in the 60’s. You do know Russia’s no longer communist, right…?
Lucy: Russia is fascist! You’re so worried about Nazis in Ukraine, but the REAL Nazis are the Russians!
Samuel: The Nazi ideology is actually illegal in Russia.
Lucy: Everything is illegal in Russia, Sam. It’s fascist!
Samuel: …
Lucy: I just don’t get it. They had 30 years to make their country a better place and instead, they just went to war with everyone. Putin is crazy! You know that, at least, right? He is batshit crazy!
Samuel: But Russia DID become a better place! It doesn’t even look the same as it did back in Soviet times! And Putin isn’t crazy, he’s just not letting the west turn him into a puppet like they did with Yeltsin.
Lucy: Yeltsin was cute. I liked how he just wanted to have fun.
Samuel: Yeah, well, while Yeltsin was “having fun,” his people were going through hell! The economy was the worst it had ever been and some people literally starved to death or froze in the street.
Lucy: Well, yeah, the economy was bad, but that was because of the failure of communism.
Samuel: No, it was because of all the corrupt oligarchs that bought factories for pennies on the dollar and laid off tens of thousands of people! It was because of all those hard-core capitalists!
Lucy: Okay, comrade.
Samuel: I’m serious. And the US interfered with the Russian election in 1996. They made sure Yeltsin got elected. It was all over TIME Magazine’s cover and there was even a movie about it, “Spinning Boris.” Horrible film with Jeff Goldblum in it.
Lucy: Well, they interfered in OUR elections, so maybe that makes it even.
Samuel: Except that they didn’t actually do that.
Lucy: There were 17 intelligence agencies that agreed they did! Or do you think you know better than America’s top intelligence officers?
Samuel: All of that was a lie, an exaggeration. There was no evidence of them interfering with our votes.
Lucy: It was all because Putin had such a hard-on for Trump.
Samuel: Lucy, that’s not only bullshit it’s really homophobic.
Lucy: I’m just saying, obviously they had some kind of thing going on. Rachel Maddow even thinks Trump was a Russian agent. Like one of those sleepers!
Samuel: That is all fantasy. They weren’t really even friends. Just fellow statesmen. In fact, Trump escalated nuclear tensions with Russia.
Lucy: Well, only because of Russian aggression.
Samuel: What aggression? NATO has been pushing right up to Russia’s borders and sending troops there to hold war training. And that was a violation of an agreement they had with Russia.
Lucy: If you love Russia so much, you should move there.
Samuel: You know, I’d probably like it there. But the problem is, I’m American. I love this country, only I don’t like how bad things are getting.
Lucy: It wouldn’t be this bad if not for Putin. He’s crazy! I mean he is just crazy.
Samuel: Prove it!
Lucy: Well, he invaded Ukraine without being provoked.
Samuel: I literally just explained how Russia was provoked!
Lucy: And he’s had all kinds of people murdered. Journalists and people.
Samuel: There is no evidence of any of that, it’s all conjecture.
Lucy: He’s a dictator! He oppresses his people.
Samuel: No, he doesn’t, and he isn’t a dictator. They have a parliament in Russia just like we have a Congress. And they elect representatives. Russia is a democratic country.
Lucy: Whut? No, it’s not! It’s fascist.
Samuel: You know, I am starting to think that this conversation is going nowhere.
Lucy: I’m worried about you, seriously. Like, you should be careful of the people you talk with on the internet. They could be Russians!
Samuel: So, what? I have friends in Russia. They’re totally cool. My friend, Dmitri, is a student in Moscow.
Lucy: Hmm. Just be careful. They could be trying to recruit you for the Kremlin.
Samuel: Lucy, it was great seeing you, but I really need to go water my plants. So long.
Lucy: Da-spetania, comrade. Oh my God, he is totally a Russian propagandist.
